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Saturday, September 01, 2007

excuses, rationalisations, whatever

I didn't end up going to the blogmeet. Apparently no one else did either! God, Canberra rocks on. I don't know what anyone else's excuse was, but mine was/is sheer exhaustion. I didn't think I would be missed, since I'm not the centre of the Canberra blogging world. I went over to Zoe's for a while and had a whinge about how tired I am. She had a whinge back (it wasn't a competition! She wins hands-down. It was a bout of empathetic whinging) and by the time we were finished neither of us were going anywhere except bed. So apologies, anyone I let down. But if I was the type of person who enjoyed a rowdy pub outing I wouldn't be a blogger. Or at least, the type of blogger I am.

Today I dragged myself reluctantly out of bed to go to the markets. I pulled on some vaguely filthy mismatching clothes from the floordrobe and did my duty, buying a rhubarb and apple pie for brekkie amongst other delectables for the week. When I got home I read my mail over a cuppa, because I haven't had the chance to check it for a couple of days. Shock! Horror! It is AFI film judging time and I missed the grand opening! The first films screen today! I checked my watch, first one started in 20 minutes. A quick conferral with BB decided that he'd seen two of them, wasn't interested in the third really, and maybe I should just go alone and he'd mind the boy. Within 15 minutes I'd been dropped off at the War Memorial theatrette with my bike and bag, still wearing my floordrobe glory and sporting a very tufty ungroomed head of hair. I hope I didn't smell too bad. I sat away from people, just in case.

I worked out today why I like to watch romantic comedies and re-read favorite books when I'm tired and stressed. It was an epiphany, one that probably underpins our culture, and probably no mystery to anyone else, and I've probably had it before, but I have the memory of a goldfish, so indulge me for a mo.

I have a lovely smooth, shiny veneer. I'm friendly, I make jokes, I'm relatively calm and patient on a daily level. When I feel stressed or sad, I try not to crack up by papering over the little splits with well-loved comedy and words and lashings of chocolate. If I need a cry, I'll do it behind glass or in the dark (like in a car or in a movie).

But the mending paper I use has to be soft and well-worn. It has to be familiar to the touch. If it's bright and shiny and new, it doesn't stop the cracks from getting wider, and the splits open up to expose my cranky, raw and overly-emotional bits.

Last weekend I used something new to try and feel better and it broke me into bits. And since I haven't had any kind of rest since then, today's bright shiny movies have done the same thing. I'm a wreck! I just cried all the way home on the bike.

First I saw The Home Song Stories, which is a wonderfully poignant tale about growing up in 70s Australia with a self-destructive (and non-white) parent. Suicide features prominently, and the way the story is structured (in retrospect, from the POV of the child who remains) pulled me into bits.

Then came Razzle Dazzle, which I have seen, and which I thought might pull me back together, nice soft, worn paper. But then the session finished with Noise, which BB had seen and highly recommended. Oh! Have you seen it? That last scene, that ending!
Hence the crying all the way home.

This can't go on. I need to be able to talk to people without yawning or crying. So Monday is going to be a Mental Health Day. No computer, no work, no child. I plan to sleep all day, eat gooey food and watch something completely meaningless. And then hopefully I can rally and get on with my books. And website. and stuff.

I hope your weekend is restful and fun!

10 comments:

Enny said...

Your Monday sounds great! Hope it does you some good :o)

I'm kinda glad I did pike now - you would have been the only I one I half recognised! I went over my reasons in my last post - hopefully something gets organised again and we all do go, has been a while!

genevieve said...

&D, what a great image - papering over cracks with soft, well worn materials. And the 'bright and shinies' - ewwwh, been there, done that. Ouch.
Have a warm, well worn and softly rejuvenating R&R.

Rach said...

I also need warm, familiar media consumption when I'm feeling a touch cracked. Although, that said, I usually reach for the worst kind of glossy magazine, say a Cosmo or an InStyle, and retreat to the couch with Gilmore Girls and hot chocolate. You can imagine how much this thrills my otherwise all-male household.

I can't wait to see 'The Home Song Stories.'I'm glad you said it was good.

Bernice said...

The consumption of 84 litres of Russian Caravan tea will also help. Trust me.

Helen said...

(((Duck)))

Yes, I can see from the Melbourne blogmeet that you sort of do radiate competence... and that can be a double-edged sword sometimes.

Mummy/Crit said...

Golly. Big weekend, dear. I hope your Monday is all you want it to be. I half-piked, half-forgot, and half-neverintendedtogoto the blogmeet. I had child. I'm glad I didn't make the effort then. You know me, the ones that work are randomly childfree times.

fifi said...

papering the cracks... I'll have to find a similar poultice. Not sure what. But FILMS, oh, the delightfulness of films, lucky you, bed hair or not, and I know you've already seen This is England so I am very envious.

worldpeace and a speedboat said...

ooh baby, I can't touch anything even vaguely confronting at the moment, so I think you're be very brave Ducky (although I went out on a limb and saw HP5, that's challenging enough for the present).

geoduck said...

I love eating gooey ducks. My mother loves to make it with rice, tastes great! Though I do think you have to get used to the texture.

Check out geoduck for info.

Lord Sedgwick said...

"No computer, no work, no child. I plan to sleep all day, eat gooey food and watch something completely meaningless."

Goddam it Lady Canard, that sounds SO much like a plan. (The one I meant to come up with but got waylaid by the imperatives of life - aka #42.) Copyright it this instant, launch onto the futures market, sign up with Harry M. Miller and make a squill!

((and all of us commenters will bask in the glory of being able to say "we knew her when she wasn't a famous duck".)