Sunday, May 25, 2008



I'm just basically feeling like crap today. Sometimes the gap between the me in my head and the me in the real world seems insurmountable. I love blogging because I get to be Head Me. But objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.

Bugger it. I'll just get on with my day, one breath at a time, and see where I end up.


Kerryn Goldsworthy said...

Oh, Duck, I am sorry. I know this one well and my solution for it has always been either to make something -- but I guess that won't do for you, because you are always making things -- or to learn something, which might work.

When all else fails, some sort of cruel and unusual housework, like cleaning behind (or cleaning out) the pantry cupboard, will do it.

Could there be a physical explanation? Run down? Anaemic? Low-grade bug?

And however did you do that red thingy? I am agog with admiration.

Anonymous said...

I too am very impressed with the red thingy. I wish I could put one in my real life.

I've been having the same sort of fortnight - making the same mistakes over and over again. I'm tired. And I can't run away to Hanoi or Paris or even Port Fairy either. I like Pavlov's advice. I shall clean something viciously.

Ampersand Duck said...

Oh bless you, Pav, you are the voice of reason. I am trialling a new contraceptive device (whilst waiting to have my bits removed in the New Year) and I've never reacted well to chemical hormones. Doesn't explain the gaffs, just my watery overreaction to it all, maybe.

The secret to the red scrawling, ladies, is to take a screenshot of the crap you've just written (if you're a Mac user, it's Command + Shift + 4, then drag the little cross that your curser becomes to 'grab' a section of your screen, which then becomes a 'picture' file), open the resulting picture in Photoshop or some other image-altering program, and scribble all over it. Then delete the original post. It's very therapeutic.

I didn't just want to delete the post because it was already on everyone's blogreader, so I might as well make it a feature, not a bug.

Anonymous said...

Yesterday's Panorama in the Canberra Times had an article about Michelle de Kretser and included a picture of the cover of The Lost Dog. I thought "Hey, Duck did that!" I am in awe of you creativity AND your technical prowess. A wonderful combination.

GS said...

Now if only we could get together and do some synchronised watery tartiness it could help alleviate the drought (or perhaps once the ghastly desalination plant is up and running).

I find it is best to only look in the mirror when it is all steamed up.

Hope the sun is coming out from behind the clouds now.

Poppy Letterpress said...

It might be something in the 'Berra water, y'know. I've been in that same place for a couple of months now. No physical reasoning for it though. Perhaps it's a seasonal thing then? It's that time of year when you just KNOW it's going to be freezing every day soon, and that we're getting less and less daylight. That can't be good for the soul.

My attempt at a solution was to get a budgie. But having a new bird that's scared of you just makes you doubt yourself even more. If you find a good solution, do post about it so we can all know the secret.

Anonymous said...

As Gillian Welch says, time's the revelator ... and it might well be the hormones. I think that I reacted similarly.

Anyways, you are loved and lovely, and although I know you know this, it's important that you are told.

And didn't you fess up you was pretty tired from burning the candle at 27 ends? Doona days are sometimes about nothing more than the need to sleep.

Anonymous said...

I find Mozart's Requiem or Coronation Mass are wonderful in these situations. They say he gets into one's alpha rhythms. Whilst I'm not at all religious I am usually starting to relax by the end of the Kirie. If I'm seriously fratched it needs more.......but it does work for me.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and PS. I am also seriously impressed with the red 'X' thingy. I sometimes use a similar device when I need to rid myself of a troublesome drawing or idea that's not working..........but have never done it on the computer........

fifi said...

I haz sent you a present. It might cheer you up.

You always cheer ME up.

Keep your eyes open at that canbra art school.

Mummy/Crit said...

Duck. I also thought of you yesterday when reading the Panorama section of the paper and saw the cover of The Lost Dog. I was impressed. Good luck with sorting out the bits and the hormona guff. Your doorbitch has 3 qs at the end, looks like she's had enough of the bullshit too!

Kerryn Goldsworthy said...

"I am trialling a new contraceptive device"

Well, there you go.

And actually, it could easily explain the social awkwardnesses or whatever (which I agree you have probably magnified as well) -- if it's turned your brain to porridge, as hormonal things are wont to do, it may be making you do all kinds of weird things.

Ampersand Duck said...

You're all blurry marvellous, the lot of you.

I went home after printing a lot of pages, and found Zoe drinking wine and gossiping with my BB whilst using our washing machine, since hers went bung, and she gave me a big hug, then I cooked up a storm of comfort food (chicken & mushroom risotto with two big cloves of garlic crushed into the mix right at the end when you add the butter and parmesan so that it's almost raw in the mix) and a friend came for dinner who brought profiteroles and fruit-flavoured marshmallows and we drank nice wine and ate comfort food and whilst I don't think I'm quite cured, I feel a lot better.

It's ridiculous to feel so fucked when life is so good but you can't really reason that way in the middle of it all, can you? So I'm confirmed in my theory that when you feel bad you don't bottle it up, you TELL SOMEONE.

Thanks. RLY.

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

Just adding my voice to the resounding chorus of thems that thinks you're grouse (and kind and funny and extremely clever with things).

Zoe said...

when you feel bad you don't bottle it up, you TELL SOMEONE

Then administer carbohydrates, fat and wine. You know exactly how to fix yourself, girl ;)

doorbitch also feels calmer now, and says "soqst"

worldpeace and a speedboat said...

ummm, this Speedboat's been moored at the dock looking after a crook Dinghy so she's missed most of this catharsisesquenessabilitisation, but would love to add

you rawk, Duck

glad the fat, plonk and good quality company worked :-)

genevieve said...

Amen, Duck. Thank you for putting it so well, and for sharing it. Same things ezackly happen at this end and there isn't really an answer. Sometimes you just have to get through the next five minutes in the hope there is a better feeling waiting on the other side.
That, and what Pav says. And telling someone, presents, and food, and trees help too. Forests. Myrtle beeches come highly recommended.

Mindy said...

The joys of being a woman! Just remember to look at Bumblebee and remind yourself that, apart from a little help at the beginning, that wonderful child is all down to you!

cristy said...

Thank you for putting up this post. I have been feeling much the same way - like I've lost my footing - so it is nice to know that I am not alone. Unfortunately I can't even blame chemical hormones. Although I can blame a serious (longterm) lack of sleep.

I hope that you are feeling much much better now.

Anonymous said...

Chemical hormones are EVIL! There's nothing worse than feeling lost and weepy.

I do hope the subsequent days have been better for you.

You, and your blog, are fab :)

P.S. Chocolate counters erratic hormone levels...or so i've been told (but it has to be dark chocolate lindt, preferably with an oozing caramel centre).