Sunday, July 27, 2008


I've been busy as busy, more so that usual, but should have time to blog properly tonight or tomorrow. Or the next day. In the meantime, I'm taking a leaf out of other esteemed bloggers' books and reposting an old post from 2005 that I stumbled upon today whilst searching for something completely different. I'd forgotten about this one, and hope it makes you both guffaw and cringe that way it did me. (For non-Canberrans, Queanbeyan is a town so close to Canberra that it could be a suburb, only saved from such a fate by being across the state border in NSW. It has a reputation of being 80% Bogan and 20% artists.) Enjoy!

An overkill of email charity requests makes me enjoy [in a guilty sort of way] this hard-hearted little piece that came through on the ether the other day:


A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of this morning, with the epicentre in Queanbeyan, NSW.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, "F**kinell" and "Whadda carnt". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Torana Appreciation Society and the Queanbeyan Progress Hall were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived.

QBN Radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer the next morning".

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, Canterbury shirts, jewellery from Priceline and bone china from Woolworths.

***************** HOW YOU CAN HELP******************

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Items most needed include: baseball caps, tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell Suits (female), white sport socks, sturdy boots and any other items usually sold in Op Shops.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include, Fruit Loops, Steve's Kebabs, McDonalds, KFC, icecream and cans of Red Bull, VB, Bacardi Breezer, or Special Brew.

If you would prefer to donate money, 25c buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms; $5.00 buys chips, savaloys and gherkins, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9; $10.00 will pay for a packet of Benson & Hedges and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

PLEASE do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas.

********************* BREAKING NEWS*********************

Rescue workers have found a girl in the rubble smothered in blood.
When asked "Where are you bleeding from?" the girl replied "Queanbeyan"

[PS: forgot to mention that this ties in beautifully with TimT's bogan post.]


MargeyGrieve said...

How I roared (and felt guilty doing so)!

Helen said...

(Heaves a deep sigh)

How I wish, when sister-in-law suggested a name for Girlchild-- old, originating from the Greek for Mercies, common in Spanish-speaking and Catholic nations but under-used (we thought) in Australia, I'd known it would become a Notifiable Name and byword for boganism in the 2000s.

Sorry, Girlchild.
(Heaves another very, very deep sigh)

(Word verification IZISHA, which would probably make a good bogan moniker, too.)

Ampersand Duck said...

Gulp, Helen. However, I think you can get away with it if everything else about her ISN'T bogan. It's the triple-barrelled phonetic names that ring big bells these days.

Drewzel said...

I got this email again on Monday, but Queanbeyan had been replaced by Frankston.
"Little Chardonnay-Mercedes" never fails to crack me up though!

Mummy/Crit said...

ouch. it's not unlike watching Kath&Kim really, is it? a guilty middle class pleasure, though I have one working class friend who loves K&K. I'm wondering if I should show this to my friends who live in Q'beyan who are neither bogan, nor artist.

Mindy said...

A person who I know who lives in Queanbeyan would find this very funny indeed and probably agree that it strongly resembles many of his former neighbours.

Helen - at least your niece didn't get stuck with Talula does the Hula from Hawaii.